Confessions of a (formerly) fat girl

So, I keep buying smaller and smaller sizes. I am currently sitting here in a size 10 pair of jeans and I'm thinking they are a little loose. And I'm thinking that I don't think I look fat sitting here. But then I see myself in a mirror and I still see myself 30 pounds ago. I can still see the lumpy bumpy mess that I was.  Rod tells me he keeps doing a double-take because he has to figure out who I am. So, I'm obviously looking good, so to speak. But, not to me. Not really.

I guess it takes a while to get past that fat girl block. When will I see the me in the mirror that others see?

"You are looking really good." (Thanks, I guess. I'm wearing Spanx.)
"You are wasting away." (Well, I still have plenty of fat to lose, you know?)

Do we ever see ourselves how we are after weight loss? Or do we always see ourselves how we were?  I guess these remain to be answered. For myself at least.

BTW, I am in my goal size(s) but I still have 15-20 pounds left to lose.

Odds and Ends

So, when I first started Trim Healthy Mama, I hoped to reach 20 pounds by Christmas.  The beautiful thing is that I actually should be down a full 30 pounds by then. The loss has slowed, but that's okay. I've been a bit sloppy in following the routine. If I can be sloppy and still be losing, this is a miracle.  

I've discovered that I am allergic to stevia which is a sadness. I haven't figured out how I'm going to replace it exactly. Erythritol is expensive. I could use xylitol, but it is also expensive and it requires a lot to reach desired sweetness.  I can occasionally substitute some coconut sugar, but that's higher carb, so I have to be careful.

I am fitting comfortably in size 12s. I think I've cleaned out my last size 16s. My rings fit again and I zipped a pair of regular calf boots over my jeans. Me. I did that. 

I frequently read A Tale of Two Cities. Why have I  never owned my own copy before last night? The excitement I felt knowing a copy was finally going to be mine was nearly overwhelming. I was vaguely disappointed to find there were no hardback copies but I decided to ask. He led me to one in the bargain section. To complete my joy, I purchased a Doctor Who bookmark. 

Becca got an official job offer from Master Marius. He's going to give her four hours a week through December to see how it's going to work out. She's over the moon. So am I. I think it's rare to have jobs land in your lap and in my house, it's happened twice. Unfortunately, Hannah has to go searching. 

I'm certain there are a lot of other little things that no one cares about, but tomorrow is Thanksgiving and food must be prepared. 

Measuring life in bags of potatoes

I have officially lost 20 pounds.  That's 2-10 pound bags of potatoes. Looking at it that way, that's a lot of weight. The strange thing is that I don't feel like it's gone. I guess I don't even miss it.  The thought that I even had that much to lose is almost ludicrous to me. But I did. And I have at least 2 more bags of potatoes to go. Maybe 3.

I had a reward for my first 2 bags--I bought a tall non-fat chai latte from Starbucks. It was satisfying; but it seemed to bring my cravings back. I fought it off with fat. Bacon, eggs, butter, cream--and I didn't cave to the crave. I was going to get a manicure, but I think I'll wait until I either hit the next size down or until I've lost the next bag, whichever event comes first. The Trim Healthy Mama way of life can be difficult to measure in pounds.

I seem to have a slight stevia intolerance which showed up when fall allergy season hit. This is putting a damper on my sweetener. I'll work it through and figure out if it's only seasonal or if I can get away with a few days with it and a few days without it.

A Different take on Fat Shaming, or I think I can.

I looked at myself in the mirror and the image that stared back at me wasn't me.  It wasn't the me that God created; it was the me that I'd created in darkness. When my heart ached, I turned to food. When I needed a nap and felt like I just didn't have time to take one, I turned to food. When I was bored, I turned to food. I was turning to food to satisfy all of my needs.  The only thing is that it didn't solve anything. It hurt everything. I gained 20 pounds in a year.

There's all this talk about "fat shaming." Well, blah. If you are fat and ashamed, that merely means you know something needs to change. That's where I was.  I tried the gym. I worked out until I was exhausted and unable to get out of bed for a couple of weeks. I went for 3 months and lost 6 whopping pounds. That wasn't good enough. In the exhaustion, I gained it all back and then some.

(If you are fat and don't care, no one can shame you because you don't care. So, either you care or don't. If you care, do something. Change it because you know that isn't the real you.)

Over time, I began to accept that I was fat. That's when it dawned on me that the person in my reflection wasn't who I really was. That's when I began to know something would change. I just had to find what.

From previous posts, you know how I deal with constant exhaustion. You know I don't want to be this sick person that I always am. I want to be vibrant; I want to healthy. 

Enter Trim Healthy Mama. I had a friend mention it to me once. It was planted in the back of my brain. But then another friend announced that she'd lost a great amount of weight and all along she'd been talking about how well she was eating. Then I began to see that I had other friends who were on the plan. I began chatting with them. I asked questions. 

And then I did it. I ordered the monster book. (There's a new edition coming out so I'm not going to post a link.) And while I waited for my book to arrive, I stopped all sugar and overly-refined foods.  And I lost 2 pounds immediately. Then I lost 4. And now I'm sitting at 10 pounds down.

Mind you, 6 pounds was the most I'd ever lost on any diet. But this isn't really a diet. I'm eating so much good food and I get to eat until I'm satisfied. 

But there's more. With this weight loss, I'm seeing other things happen. I don't need two cups of coffee to get going in the  morning. I might only want half a cup. The constant pain in my shins has lessened to a very great degree.  My constant sore throat is gone. I have been able to plan chores and do them (without my supplement, mind you). I survived VBS week which was immediately followed by grocery shopping. The tired I felt was an honest tired and not the embarrassing sort of tired. My skin has cleared up. 

My weight loss is slow compared to some who started about the same time I did. I tend to get a little jealous. But look, my body has a lot of healing it needs to do. Things I didn't know were wrong are changing. My spirits have lifted. I'm listening to sermons online again as opposed to drowning my fog in Farmville. (Trust me, THAT one is huge.)

Now, I'm not saying Trim Healthy Mama is a cure-all. I may still need the supplement at times. I am saying that eating well is sort of amazing. For once, I am encouraged in a "diet." And for once, I am seeing glimpses of who God created me to be and not this me that I created.