As I look back on those years of Christianity, I see a common thread very clearly. I see that most of what I did was based on trying to stay on God's good side. I was frequently told and made to feel that if I was not doing (fill in the blank) then God would be angry at me and chastise me. I did those things because I was afraid not to do those things.
How many preachers came through and told me how many hours they spent in devotion every morning beginning at 3 or 4 am and made me think that if I didn't do the same, then I was not much of a Christian? How many preachers came through and told me that the most important mark of a Christian was his hours spent soulwinning? (Never mind that I could never find that in the list of the fruits of the Spirit.) Dutifully, I spent my hours every Saturday or making them up on Tuesday if I had to work.
Always, I went away from preaching services feeling as though *I* had to complete these things to please God. I spent many years feeling I was a failure because I could never measure up to those standards of devotion laid out for me. I wish I could count the times I sat weeping, saying, "God, I'll be good! Please don't let your Holy Spirit leave me!"
Once again, I have begun to learn that I cannot begin this Christian journey in the Spirit and finish it on my own. Just because I falter and fail and stumble about with doubts, God doesn't wait to beat me down. He gently calls me and leads me back. He speaks to correct my way, not loudly and painfully, but quietly.
He was quick to make sure that the ladies at the tomb understood that the disciples they were to tell included Peter. (Mark 16:11) Look how compassionate He was to John the Baptist when John sent his disciples to make sure Christ was whom he believed He was.
God's mercy and compassion do not fail. They are new every morning. I cannot complete this Christian life hoping in my own goodness and good deeds. If that were so, I'd never be accepted into heaven for I will never measure up to Christ. It boils down, once again, to the fact that I am accepted in the Beloved (Christ.)
Soulwinning has taken on new meaning. It means that I may have to be more paitient than just a quick explanation of the Gospel...do you want to pray. I may have to put hours of true physical labor behind the message. That is okay. God is the one who gives the increase.
I can shake off the fear of failing now because I know that no matter what, in my own works, I will always fail. It is Christ in me that matters.
Micah 6:8 "He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God." And Matthew 22:27-29 says "Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself." We put to much of a burden on ourselves that God does not require of us. We do well to search the scripture to KNOW our God and what He requires of us instead of listening solely to what man says.
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